Virgin Money World Crazy Golf Championship 2005

Tim 'Ace Man' Davies makes it three in a row

World Crazy Golf Champion 2005 Tim 'Ace Man' Davies

On Friday the heroic spirit of Britain was celebrated on the 200th anniversary of Trafalgar. Amongst the anguished cries of the mortally wounded, splinter of wood and roar of musket shot a nations destiny and identity was irrevocably welded together in the flames and water of sea battle.
The following day was the 3rd anniversary of the Virgin Money World Crazy Golf championships. England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and the principality of Sealand expected every crazy golfer to do their duty.
Like the nation in 1805, everyone looked towards VICTORY.
There was to be no Trafalgar, but plenty of squares. Also several Waterloos, on the Sunday Pasi Ahoy and Ted's tee shots into the water on the 5th seemed a strange tribute to Horatio Nelson.
At the end of the tournament there was more than enough sour grape shot, many a player trying to hold the line, plenty of poop on the poop deck and lots of people looking at their navals.
Prepare to repel bores and boarders for crazy golf warfare has been declared and the enemy is upon us.
Tim Davies, no crows nest but plenty of crows feet, looking more Pugwash than Nelson, had won twice already, would it be an unprecedented third VICTORY. Alongside Tim a host of Welsh players made this Taffalgar day. 
Players looked anxiously at the sky for a change in the weather or outbreak of rain, but who could have forecast an outbreak of Drain. For it was John Drain, described in glowing terms by his fellow Northamptonshire players as a god awful putter who topped the leaderboard after the first round. One shot ahead of Davies, Bill Bullin, Ted McIver and the constantly fidgeting Keith Kellard.
Throughout the day there was to be no sh*te coming from this drain as John finished in 3rd overall.
The star of the first day was undoubtedly the teeny tiny ten year old Czech crazy golf sensation Olivia Propokova - apparently born with a putter in her hand.
Mozart may have been seven when he composed his first work but I'll bet you he was bleedin' useless at crazy golf. Olivia hit a 36 & 37 on the malignant minigolf course, before shooting an outstanding 32 on the crazy course.
From wellying balls to wedding bells. Indeed is not a round of crazy golf a parable to the state of holy matrimony, one avoids the hazards and traps, gets over the rough patches when you've dropped shots, and hopefully finish with a good overall score. I'm not sure how hitting a ball through a flashing lighthouse fits in to the analogy but hey ho.
The stag posse of Edward Wilkinson eschewed the smoky bars of Prague, Barcelona or Amsterdam in favour of two days of hedonism and pleasure on Hastings seafront. With tea only 10p a cup the lads were soon getting the rounds in. And of course the flashing lighthouse had ...a red light.
After a  Saturday night tippling, quaffing and bibbing amongst the bars, clubs, pubs and minigolf courses of Brighton lesser men might have said sod it I'm staying in bed on the Sunday morning. Not Edward and his band of hungover putt jockeys they turned up at one minute to eleven, smiles on their faces and hip flasks replenished and the groom found himself literally in the water as crowds gathered on the beach - under what pretext did they get him so close to the sea?
Indeed on the Sunday only 3 people didn't turn up - amongst them John Drain's club mate Steve Borrett who inexplicably found a warm quilted duvet, plump swan feathered pillow and scrambled eggs more rewarding than an early morning walk to Hastings crazy golf course.
On the Sunday Aceman Davies made up 6 shots on Olivia and the most exalted Exall with the Exall factor was going to be either Trevor or Phillip, Andy's disastrous round of 45 put him out the running. 
Only one round remained to make certain of a place in the Virgin Money super final, the top 12 players qualified, the top 7 got prize money.
Many hopes died on the evil minigolf course, where even a foot long putt is as difficult as solving the Rosetta stone, or working out what happened to Gareth Gates.

Kevin Moseley on the crazy, found getting holes in one as easy as cutting a loaf of ready sliced Nimble bread-5 ones meant a 31 and BMGA course record, well it would have been if Kevin was a member of the BMGA. The record still stands at 32. Trevor Robertson also managed five aces but somehow got a 37 which clinched the family Robertson bragging rights. Martin just pipped Debs, probably the most technically gifted of the clan, Janette was a little adrift. Analysis of the family's improvement shows that some may well be in the final 12 next year. And talking of five holes in one in a round Angela Lerwill, the nurse and heart throb, who chose to learn German rather than Welsh, managed this remarkable fete in the second round.

As the holes and the excuses began to run out the desperate scramble to get in the last 12 became a desperate affair with biting, scratching, hair pulling and the use of rather rude words. Bill Bullin had prepared some feeble excuse about a dog gggrrrowling, then barking and then literally throwing stones at him when he was teeing off on the Mini 9th (he thought it was Davies for a moment, wrong, no he'd merely paid for the presence of the trained pooch), almost as outrageous as its owners who stood discussing whether being professionals meant the players got paid to take this kind of abuse. Somehow he needn't have bothered he made the final. Ruth too, in need of advice, thought a tip from Britains number 1 should do the trick "Try the Italian Restaurant on George Street", not exactly what she wanted to hear, but sound advice nevertheless.

Crowds jostled for position, elbows deftly planted in kidneys, much like a jumble sale stall free-for-all around each green and the procession continued from hole to hole, par followed par. On the fifth the tension reached a pant-wetting crescendo as Karl Parsons (Wales) hit a beautiful ace and as the gallery closed in Peter Emmerson (Sealand) did the same. Another par and another, how long could this last? Individuals peeled off if a putt seemed to be a gimme to gain a better viewpoint for the next. Pressure putting at it's best and this was for a place in the final twelve, these two should both have been there. One had to go, on the eleventh Emmerson shaved the hole first from the tee, second up Parsons, apparently inwardly shaking throughout, hit the ball and whilst it looked as though it wouldn't make it through the obstacle a faint sound of ball on wood was followed by a subtle deviation in line and in it plopped. An ace decided it, both in fact were winners. After that display who needed a final. Cymru am Byth! Or as Angela put it Wales ewig!

Only twelve shots covered the finalists any one of them could have been on the podium and realistically the top seven had a chance at the title. All that was required was for the tournament referee to light the blue touch paper and retire, unfortunately the whole field did instead. Whilst Davies struggled, bogeying the first, so did Prokopova.  Aho played steadily and steadied Davies's ship with a cannonade that gave him the ace he needed to get back to par. Finally at the ninth it looked all over for the Ace Man as he hit the hole and the ball ended up at the back of the green, three more shots from there saw him rueing not reading his notes properly. A broadside from spectator and ex-Planet Hastings demi-god of putting, Mark 'Ice Man' Spry finally brought the Ace Man back on the right course. He hit a rare patch of form but the mini golf gods conspired against him as he hit one perfect tee shot after another with no aces.

The sixteenth saw Olivia finally make a move, a perfect ace. Davies stepped up to the breach and blasted it by the hole and ended up in the ditch. He needed to make it to maintain a one shot lead. In it went. Surely fate was now smiling on the hapless two-time champ. A word from Jon Angel was enough to calm his nerves, no one else had made a move. There were only three players left in it with two holes to play. And Aho was four shots adrift.
Pasi played first on the 17th blocking the line for Ace Man who reverted to another tried and tested line. Somehow the ball slowed and faded almost behind a large bump. A pushed stroke saw another shot frittered away. His putter would have been planted in the ground but the gallery were all around and allowed no such reaction. As he turned he heard a gasp as Olivia missed a one footer to go into the joint lead. She made the one coming back. 
A one shot lead for Ace Man going to the last. He'd all ready decided he needed an ace and going first stuck with the line around the obstacle, it sailed by and settled a good four foot from the hole. Olivia played the ramp shot it too passed by but fortunately for Davies settled just behind his ball. Stymied she had to play a cannon, no one proferred any advice, not even McIver. Experience would have told her to hit the ball as hard as possible but her ten years on this planet couldn't have prepared her and she pushed Davies' ball within two feet. Her challenge was over and Ace Man finished it off with a nervous prod.

The final round was always going to be a bit of a damp squib after the high octane Hollywood blockbuster that went before. Karl the competitions dishy dreamboat only managed a 39 and finished in twelfth place.  Bill Bullin anxious to finish above his wife shot a 41 and now faces a long winter of washing and drying up.
Ted McIver despite using his infamous brown drape trousers found it was curtains for his 2005 championship bid, he headed off disconsolately to the pub to drown his sorrows, no one likes a lad boozer. The local paper even misquoted Tim and claimed Ted played in two rolls of 1970's wallpaper - now that would be crazy. Though he looked a star he played like a starfish. He now has five long months of the close season to ponder why he choked and who he'd like to choke, his only consolation being somehow he managed to hold on to the British number one spot.
Ruth Bullin finished second best female competitor in a tournament where there were more than two women - congratulations!
If Kevin Moseley had shot another 31 he would have scooped the top prize, sadly for Kevin he got a 40.  Trevor Exall despite finishing 7th still picked up a cheque for £50.  Keith Kellard spasmed his way to an angst ridden 36, looking like a dishevelled Russian philosopher Keith was proud of his twitchtastic sixth place finish and a cheque for £100, Jon Angel, captain of the British mens minigolf team, playing in the best form of his life tied with Phillip Exall in fourth place. In the playoff Jon's two wasn't enough as Phillip's delicate tee shot passed the hole on the left, deftly hit the back wall and rolled into a puff of gentle sea breeze that gave it the extra top spin to twizzle into the hole.
Fantastic-and Phillip picked up a cheque for £200 while Jon in fifth place received a cheque for £150, that's a hell of a lot of zebra printy polyester thongs.
Pasi Aho, all the way from Finland-well he lives in Germany now but I don't want to clutter up the report with needless verbosity, dug in and finished third- the first time in this country, the first time he'd seen a real life chav and also his first taste of Marmite, Weatherspoons and Richard and Judy and £250 prize money. I'm sure we'll see him back real soon in this country.
Olivia, the 10 year old child prodigy pluckily held on to 2nd place despite playing in the same group as nasty Tim Davies pocketing £500.  Though it was good to see Olivia finish so well, no one likes to admit they lost to a ten year old - and I certainly won't be telling anyone. Tim will though and he won, a desperate state of affairs. 

And as Bill said "Four Planet Hastings players in the top 10, but only two London A or B players: another dollop of cold, lumpy porridge for them to swallow; eat up boys!"

The biggest and best crazy golf tournament ever held in the UK, surely now should be regarded as Britains premier event particularly with a major sponsor ready to go to the next stage.

Many thanks to all those involved in the organisation particularly David and Marion and Virgin for their support.

Words: Big Top & Ace Man

Results

Pos Player Round 1 Round 2 Round 3 Round 4 Round 5 Round 6 Final TOTAL Ave
                   
1 Davies, Tim 34 37 40 35 34 39 39 258 36.86
2 Prokopova, Olivia 38 36 37 32 40 38 39 260 37.14
3 Aho, Pasi 36 37 41 36 41 33 37 261 37.29
4 Exall, Philip 37 37 41 35 41 34 37 262 37.43
5 Angel, Jon 36 44 41 34 38 32 37 262 37.43
6 Kellard, Keith 34 36 40 40 40 36 37 263 37.57
7 Exall, Trevor 39 33 45 40 36 35 36 264 37.71
8 Moseley, Kev 36 41 44 33 41 31 40 266 38.00
9 Bullin, Ruth 34 38 40 39 43 35 37 266 38.00
10 McIver, Ted 34 42 40 36 40 38 37 267 38.14
11 Bullin, Bill 42 38 38 37 36 35 41 267 38.14
12 Parsons, Karl 45 38 40 33 40 35 39 270 38.57
13 Emmerson, Peter 38 39 41 34 42 37   231 38.50
14 Exall, Andy 34 38 41 39 45 35   232 38.67
15 Drain, John 33 43 37 36 45 39   233 38.83
16 Shepherd, Brad 49 36 37 35 39 37   233 38.83
17 Palmer, Jan 38 39 48 37 40 34   236 39.33
18 Moseley, Roy 36 41 40 40 44 35   236 39.33
19 Barton, Russell 39 36 43 38 44 38   238 39.67
20 Homer, Sean 39 41 43 36 38 41   238 39.67
21 Knight, Jason 41 38 45 37 38 40   239 39.83
22 Moore, John 41 43 39 39 40 37   239 39.83
23 Godfrey, Stuart 35 45 47 34 43 36   240 40.00
24 Harwood, Tim 42 41 41 42 36 38   240 40.00
25 Robertson, Trevor 43 42 35 40 44 37   241 40.17
26 Burgess, Tom 41 42 39 39 41 39   241 40.17
27 Johnston, Ewan 46 37 47 37 40 37   244 40.67
28 Bullin, Rocky 40 39 43 39 43 40   244 40.67
29 Green, Darren 38 44 46 39 41 37   245 40.83
30 Gow, Stephen 38 44 45 36 43 40   246 41.00
31 Saunders, Mark 35 43 43 40 47 39   247 41.17
32 Pope, Anthony 40 40 46 41 38 42   247 41.17
33 Wilkinson, Edward 39 37 40 41 43 48   248 41.33
34 Handley, Andrew 37 43 43 38 46 42   249 41.50
35 Wilkinson, Dan 36 42 50 40 45 41   254 42.33
36 Lyon, Andrew 41 45 43 42 42 41   254 42.33
37 Lewis, Ian 43 41 45 41 49 37   256 42.67
38 Smith, James 39 45 40 43 42 47   256 42.67
39 Martinez, Carlos 37 46 53 38 42 41   257 42.83
40 Forrest, Dave 40 48 39 54 35 42   258 43.00
41 Browning, Philip 46 36 48 43 41 44   258 43.00
42 Winning, David 43 37 54 39 43 42   258 43.00
43 Exall, Denis 35 46 52 41 41 44   259 43.17
44 Rye, Mark 36 46 51 44 39 43   259 43.17
45 Penfound, Richard 51 38 42 48 39 41   259 43.17
46 Brunner, Tom 47 45 35 51 37 45   260 43.33
47 Jones, Chris 46 42 36 52 41 43   260 43.33
48 Parsons, Neil 43 49 40 43 39 46   260 43.33
49 Titchener, Robin 46 41 39 43 47 44   260 43.33
50 Mayhew, Patrick 44 41 46 36 46 48   261 43.50
51 Ridler, John 38 45 47 44 45 43   262 43.67
52 Macdonald, Michael 39 46 40 41 53 43   262 43.67
53 Timms, Dan 39 43 45 52 37 48   264 44.00
54 Whitehurst, Matt 50 48 43 46 41 38   266 44.33
55 Longe, Edward 50 40 40 43 43 50   266 44.33
56 Tyndall, Laura 52 39 43 46 39 48   267 44.50
57 Hellyar, Richard 46 47 40 50 40 44   267 44.50
58 Chrisostomou, Chris 40 48 48 53 36 43   268 44.67
59 Jones, Lewis 46 42 44 45 45 46   268 44.67
60 Steel, Ken 49 40 41 45 47 47   269 44.83
61 Lerwill, Angela 46 39 47 43 51 44   270 45.00
62 Goerner, Martin 52 46 41 48 41 42   270 45.00
63 Lawless, Patrick 44 48 45 43 43 47   270 45.00
64 Goodman, Keith 48 50 46 40 34 54   272 45.33
65 Cayley, Adam 44 54 41 47 39 48   273 45.50
66 Gradidge, Rick 47 47 42 45 44 48   273 45.50
67 Emmerson, Ben 48 41 49 52 40 44   274 45.67
68 Whitehouse, Paul 45 48 43 53 42 43   274 45.67
69 Parry, Gareth 49 46 47 51 37 45   275 45.83
70 Robertson, Martin 45 41 39 53 46 51   275 45.83
71 Robertson, Deborah 45 44 42 48 44 53   276 46.00
72 Zdansky, Dominic 49 48 45 44 44 46   276 46.00
73 Beadle, Christopher 45 52 41 57 40 42   277 46.17
74 Trayhorn, Ben 40 44 59 42 44 49   278 46.33
75 Woodland, Rob 47 42 48 48 43 50   278 46.33
76 Dixon, James 49 44 44 48 46 47   278 46.33
77 Jones, Robert 48 50 48 46 38 49   279 46.50
78 Harrow, Adele 39 46 51 55 41 47   279 46.50
79 Herrington, Katie 47 52 46 51 39 45   280 46.67
80 Blackett, Andy 45 39 54 39 51 54   282 47.00
81 Hastings, Sian 53 48 44 53 45 43   286 47.67
82 Robertson, Janette 49 43 50 48 45 51   286 47.67
83 Gilbert, Justin 50 54 42 48 43 50   287 47.83
84 Shore, Helen 53 38 49 50 45 54   289 48.17
85 Macdonald, Paul 49 48 42 49 52 51   291 48.50
86 Hood, Simon 45 49 45 49 46 57   291 48.50
87 Hagerty, Emma-Jane 50 55 45 50 41 52   293 48.83
88 Dawson, Joseph 52 52 46 50 45 49   294 49.00
89 Wells, Oliver 49 63 47 50 45 46   300 50.00
90 Hodgins, Tim 53 50 49 53 47 48   300 50.00
91 Marsh, Richard 56 40 54 52 49 51   302 50.33
92 Evans, Lisa 51 52 44 46 63 52   308 51.33
93 Wilkinson, Philip 48 48 49 58 54 59   316 52.67
94 Davies, Bethan 56 50 56 43 61 52   318 53.00
95 Dolling, Lucy 52 55 51 48 54 59   319 53.17
96 Gorton, Olly 66 53 42 63 50 51   325 54.17
97 Beadle, Charlotte 60 46 68 51 53 52   330 55.00
98 Williams, Non 59 57 53 56 56 61   342 57.00
99 Wilkinson, Patrick 66 41 51 54 50 126   514 73.43
100 Borrett, Steve 39 42 44 46 126 126   549 78.43
101 Hazlewood, David 35 47 48 42 126 126   550 78.57
102 Vanderveen, Alexandra 69 59 61 126 126 126   693 99.00

Pasi Aho (Finland), Olivia Prokopova (Czech Republic), Tim 'Ace Man' Davies (Wales)