The Smeeth Cup

The night of the long-faced wives The Smeeth Cup, May 17th, Strokes, Margate.

The miniaturegolfer forum was afire with gamesmanship and goading, the limits of banter were well and truly tested. The reason, the inaugural Smeeth Cup*. Ace Man lost the toss in Homer Towers, he always was a hopeless tosser,  to give Teame Kente home advantage for the first year. Sean 'Freebird' Homer then arranged a date so that one of the Planet Hastings star players Olivia 'Phenome' Prokopova couldn't attend, sneaky, very sneaky! First blood to Teame Kente and they must be ultimately responsible for what followed. As the BMGA Clubs Officer wisely stated "I think it's very fitting that the two most popular clubs in the UK will compete in the first authorised British Minigolf Association friendly club event." Probably the only worthwhile thing he's ever said.

This is supposed to be an annual event with a Ryder Cup format between Teame Kente and Planet Hastings. After the underhand & clandestine ploys Planet Hastings used prior to the event, during and sadly after, the trophy may never be contested again. The motivational text messages, the early morning wake up calls, the lost phone gambit, the failed attempts to bribe the officials, the subliminal messages planted outrageously in Teame Kente's own DVD by a friend at youtube. And did none of them notice the bugging device in the clubhouse? Or the amount of time the Planet Hastings VC spent on the WC?

The puppet master, a twisted shadowy figure garishly dressed and friend to all. Yes it was John 'Worm Tongue' McIver pulling the strings. His hands manipulating the willing members of Planet Hastings. How very apt we were playing at Strokes. The innocence of Teame Kente was shattered and the contest hadn't even begun!

After three or more training sessions over the previous weeks the full Teame Kente (minus Andy Exall apparently he didn't want to give away his lines) practised on the Saturday. Planet Hastings in complete contrast arrived in dribs and drabs, the Ace Man (captain) arriving a good five hours late and Film Star smooched in a couple of hours after that. Tel practised with his family and the two other team members didn't even bother turning up. Shambolic as ever. Even the Planet Hastings evening team meal could only tempt four people out.

The day arrived as did royalty. Lord and Lady Smeeth and the Lady Dowager cavalcaded majestically into the course.

A text arrived on Ace Man's phone - "there is no 06.50 train any more" - would Big Top even make it. It was Jo's birthday and she shunned the brekkers at the greasy spoon in favour of some Bolivian Altiplano Alpaca porridge, London ways eh. The team of one breakfasted alone. Big Top arrived and then he got a call from World Crazy Golf HQ Planet Hastings had been vandalised. And Film Star's phone had gone missing...... The team photos were taken, Teame Kente resplendent in their fine tailored tops, Planet Hastings dressed jumble sale rejects. Everything was going pear shaped. What was needed was a stirring speech by the captain, unfortunately he could only manage:

A call to Alms - the Planet Hastings Smeeth prayer

Let us pray

Almighty Gods of crazy golf

Tim & Ted be thy name

Look kindly upon us as we smite our enemies

The pustulent infidels of Teame Kente

For we shall smite them and horribly so

Until their pores reek of fear

Their entrails are strewn on the battlefield

And their last breath stinks of defeat

For we are the champions, we are the champions ... my friends

Amen

Still, Ace Man was happy. And he handed over the pairings for the fourballs to Lord Trevino of Smeeth, the tenner was rejected summarily and regally. 10am arrived and passed. Dave was waiting outside the restaurant for his phone unfortunately the taxi driver was waiting outside a different restaurant with the same. Much toing and froing later saw Film Star take centre stage for the first of the fourballs alongside His Excellency A Pope. They were up against Andy Exall and Marion Homer.

Match 1 - Andy E/Marion v 3 & 2 Anthony/Dave H

Match 2 - Scott/Andy B v 2 & 1 Peter/Tim

Match 3 - Marc/Dave F 5 & 4 v Terry/Trev

Match 4 - Sean/Rich v Nick/Jo Level

Score Teame Kente 1.5 2.5 Planet Hastings

The next set of matches was the foursomes

Ace Man dropped himself and in came Big Top. The Silent Assassin volunteered to sit it out but no, Ace Man had a strategy and what an inspired substitution it turned out to be.  Ace Man stalked the course watching and proferring advice much like Ted had in the previous round. How perfect is that? The two most decorated and experienced BMGA players on hand to the entire team during the doubles rounds?

Match 1 - Andy E/Marion v 1up Anthony/Dave H

Match 2 - Scott/Andy B v 5&3 Peter/Ted - Why were Planet Hastings playing minigolf tennis on hole 2?

Match 3 - Marc/Dave F 3&2 v Terry/Trev

Match 4 - Sean/Phil 4&3 v Nick/Jo

Score Teame Kente 3.5 4.5 Planet Hastings

The Gift and The Silent Assassin had lost again but they'd gained a lot playing Kente's two best players on the day. And they were about to be thrown into the deep end once more.

They had their teams backing and absolute belief, after all who would want to play any Exall in matchplay? Planet Hastings hoped to bag Andy Exall & Sean Homer in the first two matches instead they were given a bonus, Marc 'Chappers' Chapman. Some advice, don't give it large especially when you might have to face a member of the foremost family of minigolf, unless of course you have something to back it up with. He didn't and went down with a whimper 6&4, the worst defeat of the day! Andy Exall was duly assassinated, sweet revenge for Trev's British matchplay Championship semi final loss. Next up was Phil 'Elaf' Exall against the Ace Man. Another cracking encounter, where Elaf took an early lead and held on to it doggedly. Coming to the 17th, Ace Man, one down, took an easy two. Elaf followed, a bad bounce saw his ball end up a good eight feet away. As Ace walked to the 18th for a sit down contemplating playing the last at evens, Elaf sunk the monster. One down, one to play. Needing the ace to draw given Elaf's two, Ace missed by a proverbial.

And the culmination

Match 1 - Andy E v 4&2 Trevor [3.5 5.5]

Match 2 - Marc v 6&4 Terry [3.5 6.5]

Match 3 - Phil Up 1 v Tim [4.5 -6.5]

Match 4 - Andy B v Dave Level [5 - 7]

Match 5 - Scott v 2&1 Peter [5 - 8]

Match 6 - Marion v 4&3 Ted [5 - 9]

Match 7 - Sean v 5&4 Nick

Match 8 - Rich v 4&3 Ant

Match 9 - Dave 1 up v Jo

Score Teame Kente 6 11 Planet Hastings

Fitting perhaps that the disgraced ex captain of Great Britain and Planet Hastings and puppet master in general should get the winning point! And don't forget, one for his nob!!

The final score 6-11, a drubbing. The Smeeth Cup was duly presented by his Lairdshop Lord Trevino of Smeeth and the crowd stood in silent awe as Ace Man rambled on like a Led Zep classic. However, as long as it was, it was still a good hour short of what Freebird would have put us through.

What followed was the long awaited clash of Freebird and Ace Man in the first round of the British Matchplay Championships. After having been annihilated earlier, the Teame Kente captain was smeething. Ace Man merely ensured the humiliation was complete with a surgical 4&3 win.

Where now for Teame Kente?

Bring back the Bullins!!!!

Roll of Honour

Planet Hastings

Player

Played

Points

Anthony 'His Excellency' Pope

3

3

Peter 'VC' Emmerson

3

3

Dave 'Film Star' Harding

3

2.5

John 'Big Top Ted' McIver

2

2

Nick 'Top Hole' Chitty

3

1.5

Terry 'The Gift' Exall

3

1

Trevor 'The Silent Assassin' Exall

3

1

Tim 'Ace Man' Davies

2

1

Jo 'Cup Cake' Williamson

3

0.5

Teame Kente

Player

Played

Points

Dave 'Four Strings' Forrest

3

3

Marc 'Chappers' Chapman

3

2

Phil 'Elaf' Exall

2

2

Sean 'FreeBird' Homer

3

1.5

Andy 'Sarge' Booth

3

0.5

Rich 'The Bass' Hopkins

2

0.5

Marion 'Double Trouble' Homer

3

0

Andy 'No2' Exall

3

0

Scott 'Donkey Gringo' Lancley

3

0

*The trophy is named after a small town betwixt Margate and Hastings. It's equidistancy was discovered by Lord Trevino Boffino of Smeeth (inventor of Squby and much more besides) MC, G&T at the bar.

Many Thanks to Frankie & Brian of Strokes. And to Mats Anderson for rushing some clickers across to Ant & Pet - later used to devastating effect.  And of course to Lord and Lady Smeeth and the Lady Dowager and the kind donation of a trophy, their presence added greatly to the event!!

 

Pics: Lord Smeethino

Click on thumbnail for larger piccy.

Footnote: Sadly one of the most endearing tenets of British Crazy Golf was cast aside this weekend. That and the threat of legal action, has seen the demise of our beloved miniaturegolfer forum.

The KMGC Squad on Youtube, something else they did on Youtube