Planet Hastings Crazy Golf Flag

Planet Hastings Crazy Golf Club Open 2010

Bigger, cheaper, more shambolic, more historically significant, more innovative and much much more fun than the K*nt Open.

(A tribute to Stephen Potter - 'Gamesmanship' is alive and well)

Marc Chapman wins!

Pic: Cuz

The scene: The home of World Crazy Golf, Hastings. September 5th 2010.

Groin strain, Athlete's foot, Dhobi's itch, all sports related maladies and then there's John 'Big Top Ted' McIver. The Overlord of Planet Hastings Crazy Golf Club had single handedly taken on the challenge of organising the biggest shambles of the crazy golfing year, The Planet Hastings Crazy Golf Club Open. A feast of all that is unwholesome in our beloved sport, and some.

As ever, innovator to the core, he had changed the format, changed the way hole prizes were won and visited jumble sales and every cut price and charity shop in the Greater Hastings catchment area to find the most useless crud available. Who else is capable of negotiating a discount at the Cat's Protection League?

Last year there had been 42 players in the tournament. The field, a pared down 21 this year, arrived early at the Hastings Seafront courses. 21 people had obviously learnt their lesson! Shockingly Big Top was on site liaising with the course managers. No one had seen the like before. After the speech, a plagiarised and poorer rendition lifted straight from the epic 'Tiger Trap', the competition started on time.

Hastings Adventure Golf was the first of the trials. A shot gun start and erringly a distant hooter sounded and the look of surprise on all the contestants was something to behold. No one expected this and it made everyone feel ill at ease.

The mood was soon to change as the contestants eyed buff envelopes. Was this 'Deal or No Deal'? The smarmy 80's throwback presenter with the bad dress sense. The non-mobile mobile phones albeit as prizes. It all began to fit. It was an homage to McOver's childhood hero Noel Edmonds. By this point Ace Man was truly disturbed. That's truly more than usual.

Ace Man, Mr Ex and Jas were drawn to start on hole 13. The toughest hole on the course. Ace Man hit the cup narrowly missing the ace. Mr Ex with a cultured stroke aced it and pocketed the envelope, 35 pounds sterling scrawled on the inside. This could prove very expensive for McShortArmsLongPockets. Ace Man later won 25 pounds sterling (paid in full. The hinge on the wallet was heard to creak in Bexhill), a book and 10 pence (all one prize!), a non-mobile phone, 15 Becks beers (9 quid at Lidls) and another money prize of 8.50. Yes, real money.  And Ace played what has been described as the 2nd best shot of the year by none other than Mr Ex who understandably had the best shot of the year at the British Masters.  It was the 6th on Adventure. A Jouni like shot with a Jouni Ball of Fame absolutely clattered against the far wall, the paciest shot ever seen on the tour.  In it went on the rebound.

No doubt the Kukielkas would have fared better on the Adventure if the notes couriered over from Worthing had found them. Unfortunately due to an administrative error, that is involving McChaos in the delivery, they weren't available until they arrived at Planet Hastings for the final round.

Excellent scores from Marc and Michael meant they shared the lead after the first round. And the course record! But the Planet Hastings Pirates occupied 6 of the top 9 places and were in search of Booty.  The Exalls were closely bunched as always.  As were the Kukielkas.

AFTER ROUND ONE:

Rank Name Avg

1 Marc CHAPMAN 35*
Michael SMITH 35*
3 Tim DAVIES 37
4 Andy EXALL 38
Trevor EXALL 38
6 John McIver 39
7 Terry EXALL 40
8 Nick CHITTY 41
Curran ANNETTS
(novice) 41
Richard GOTTFRIED 41
11 Scott LANCLEY 42
Sean HOMER 42
13 Tony KELLY 43
14 Dave GOMM 45
15 Jas KUKIELKA 46
16 Paul JOHNSON 47
Leo KUKIELKA (junior) 47
18 Adam KELLY (junior) 48
Cindy KUKIELKA 48
Peter JONES 48
21 Owen JOHNSON (junior) 51

*Equals BMGA record

On to the crazy golf. An Arnold Palmer Putting Course at its best.  Adam Kelly stunned onlookers with a 32, or was it his shorts.  He overtook fellow junior Leo Kukielka (Welsh Crazy Golf Open runner up partnered by Cindy in the final) and drew level with his father Tony.  Cindy made her move on Jas and Leo to take the Kukielka lead.

AFTER ROUND TWO:

Rank Name R1 R2 Sum Avg

1 Marc CHAPMAN 35 34 69 34.5
2 Michael SMITH 35 36 71 35.5
3 Andy EXALL 38 33 71 35.5
4 Tim DAVIES 37 36 73 36.5
5 Terry EXALL 40 35 75 37.5
6 John McIver 39 37 76 38.0
7 Nick CHITTY 41 35 76 38.0
8 Trevor EXALL 38 39 77 38.5
9 Sean HOMER 42 36 78 39.0
10 Richard GOTTFRIED 41 38 79 39.5
11 Tony KELLY 43 37 80 40.0
12 Adam KELLY (junior) 48 32 80 40.0
13 Scott LANCLEY 42 39 81 40.5
14 Curran ANNETTS (novice) 41 44 85 42.5
15 Dave GOMM 45 41 86 43.0
16 Cindy KUKIELKA 48 38 86 43.0
17 Jas KUKIELKA 46 41 87 43.5
18 Peter JONES 48 41 89 44.5
19 Leo KUKIELKA (junior) 47 43 90 45.0
Paul JOHNSON 47 43 90 45.0
21 Owen JOHNSON (junior) 51 42 93 46.5

Round 3 was on the fated mini golf.  Ace Man summed it up nicely on the forum "And a goodbye to a great friend. We've had our ups and downs but I've always cherished that bond. Hastings Mini Golf. The Great British public never bothered to understand you. They were tempted and fell for the glitz and glamour of pirate lagoons and Florida style something. What fools! One of the finest miniature golf courses in the UK, if not the World, will meet it's end. A sad sad day for the sport. I salute you!  I fear we will never see the like again."

FreeBird won 20 (also paid in full!) for acing the 13th on the mini and a 'special' pineapple ice bucket for acing the first.  Jas won a Doo Doo, probably the finest ball produced by Maier, on the very difficult hole 5.  Donkey G won Moroccan Tea bags (hole 2)  and  2 (hole 7). Michael won  5 on hole 16.  And Ace Man cruised into first place with an excellent 32.  However he failed in one of his goals for the day which was to get that record or a share of it.  Jackpot pounced overtaking Curran and Peter.  And Paul Johnson sped up the field with a very good 36.

AFTER ROUND THREE

Rank Name R1 R2 R3 Sum Avg

1 Tim DAVIES 37 36 32 105 35.0
2 Marc CHAPMAN 35 34 37 106 35.3
3 Michael SMITH 35 36 37 108 36.0
4 Andy EXALL 38 33 39 110 36.7
5 John McIver 39 37 35 111 37.0
6 Nick CHITTY 41 35 36 112 37.3
7 Trevor EXALL 38 39 36 113 37.7
8 Terry EXALL 40 35 39 114 38.0
9 Sean HOMER 42 36 38 116 38.7
10 Adam KELLY (junior) 48 32 38 118 39.3
11 Tony KELLY 43 37 39 119 39.7
12 Scott LANCLEY 42 39 40 121 40.3
13 Richard GOTTFRIED 41 38 42 121 40.3
14 Dave GOMM 45 41 39 125 41.7
15 Paul JOHNSON 47 43 36 126 42.0
16 Jas KUKIELKA 46 41 42 129 43.0
17 Cindy KUKIELKA 48 38 46 132 44.0
18 Leo KUKIELKA (junior) 47 43 44 134 44.7
19 Owen JOHNSON (junior) 51 42 47 140 46.7
20 Curran ANNETTS (novice) 41 44 55 140 46.7
21 Peter JONES 48 41 53 142 47.3

On to the finest miniature golf in the UK, Planet Hastings. Hmmmmm.  Home to the Pirates since 1996.  Choppers was FINED for illegal parking in the Clambers road but insisted on challenging the FINE.  Outrageous.  He was illegally parked, he should have walked straight to the police station but no he insisted on carrying on in the competition.  Appeals for the death sentence from the Planet Hastings team were ignored.  Meanwhile Ace Man engaged a couple of groupies reading the Sunday Mirror in conversation.  It didn't last long.  They'd never read Nutters with Putters!! Or seen the DVD!!!  Call yourself groupies!!!!

Donkey Gringo won the clock radio and what a clock radio it was.  Jackpot had Ace Man's ice cream. Adam won the Pinky & Perky manual including space race game, and 5. Lucky boy!  Tony Kelly won a non mobile phone and 6.66 which turned in to 6.65 when Ted realised he didn't have the change.  Squire won b*gger all. And hasn't won an aces spot prize since the Kent Open in 2007. Can anyone better that record? Would anyone admit to it?  Big Foot won nothing.  Until a superb silvery salver* was recycled into a prize for Top Novice.  Andy Exall was top Exall with Trevor 2nd and the Gift 3rd.  Nick 'Top Hole' Chitty somehow managed to get beaten by Sean 'FreeBird' Homer, the ignominy.  And Jas once released from Ace Man's group/grip glided passed both Cindy and Leo.  Who let's face it were using the wrong notes!  Adam Kelly was top Junior and top Kelly.  Tony Kelly isn't a junior and wasn't top Kelly.

The final group out, Michael Smith, Marc Chapman and Ace Man.  Nothing much happened until the 5th where Chippers managed a FOUR.  Ace Man followed up with a FOUR on the 8th, still not as bad as a Lotteryesque SEVEN which was witnessed in last years event in the final round.  Something was upsetting the big I AM and he didn't know what until the 14th.  Finally he snapped as did the pen.  Sorted.  Deal with your issues, but first of all recognise what they are.  Then followed a real to and fro, finally halted on the 18th with an ace.  On to the play-off.

* donated/left behind by the Johnsons

 

Rank Name R1 R2 R3 R4 Average Diff Tot
1 Marc CHAPMAN 35 34 37 34 35.0 3 140
2 Tim DAVIES 37 36 32 35 35.0 5 140
3 Michael SMITH 35 36 37 34 35.5 3 142
4 Andy EXALL 38 33 39 34 36.0 6 144
5 John McIver 39 37 35 36 36.8 4 147
6 Trevor EXALL 38 39 36 37 37.5 3 150
7 Sean HOMER 42 36 38 35 37.8 7 151
8 Nick CHITTY 41 35 36 40 38.0 6 152
9 Terry EXALL 40 35 39 39 38.3 5 153
10 Adam KELLY (junior) 48 32 38 35 38.3 16 153
11 Scott LANCLEY 42 39 40 37 39.5 5 158
12 Richard GOTTFRIED 41 38 42 38 39.8 4 159
13 Tony KELLY 43 37 39 41 40.0 6 160
14 Jas KUKIELKA 46 41 42 36 41.3 10 165
15 Dave GOMM 45 41 39 41 41.5 6 166
16 Paul JOHNSON 47 43 36 42 42.0 11 168
17 Leo KUKIELKA (junior) 47 43 44 43 44.3 4 177
18 Curran ANNETTS (novice) 41 44 55 41 45.3 14 181
19 Cindy KUKIELKA 48 38 46 55 46.8 17 187
20 Owen JOHNSON (junior) 51 42 47 48 47.0 9 188
21 Peter JONES 48 41 53 50 48.0 12 192

To the play-off

How do you decide who plays first in an Open tournament?  You extract a snot ridden piece of kitchen roll from your pocket and suggest one of the contestants choose which hand it's in.  How do you solve a problem like McUrea?  Understandably, our beloved President interjected.  Presenting McFluffer with a shiny 10p piece, the coin was duly tossed.  Who could cock up a toss up?  Oh yes, you guessed it.  The coin flew through the air and ended up in a dense clump of decorative grass.  It remains unfound.....  A second toss gave Master Chapman the choice.  He chose to play first.  Both Ace Man and Chippers parred the first.  On to the second.  Ace Man hit what appeared to be a perfectly weighted shot, unfortunately the ball jumped up into the air losing its impetus and fell short.  Master Chapman played the same shot and the ball proscribed the perfect path and in it went for the win.  This is the second time Ace Man has lost an Open event at the second hole at Planet Hastings.  A first Open win for Master Chapman. He has now secured the title of Number 2's in British minigolf. Then the scorecards were seized by the BMGA, another Planet Hastings first.

Kent can now massage their collective ego, fulsome frottage at its worst, as they do. Blissfully unaware of the Master Plan.  For McIffy doesn't give without taking a lot more. 'The Knowledge' is safe. The duplicity to end all duplicities will unfold in reverse origami fashion before their tear-filled eyes at the British Open. I genuinely fear for their id.

Links Darts

A chocolate laced with nuts, reminiscent of the cheese outrage at the British Championships 2006, saw Donkey Gringo have an immediate allergic reaction.  The crowd knew better, he had to drive back to Margate with Master Chapman.  At least now he could justly feign sleep.  Up went the dartboard and up it went again and again then finally it was ready.  And that signalled time to leave.... All except Chuppers, The Gift and DG stayed for a warm up for the big event to follow on Friday night prior to the British Open 2010.   What a day.  Ahead of schedule, what an achievement.  I think Dave Gomm must have organised it.

The absentees

The Robertsons, you were missed.  As were Johnny 'Thighs' Moore and Chris 'Who' Harding.  Our thoughts are with you.  Especially now Ace Man can regain the number one spot.

Alan 'Stormin' Norman, too big for a small town tourney now you've represented your country.  Or, more likely, have you spent too much time with Master Chapman?

Brad Shepherd, fronting a band.  Written up in the musical press.   Were you washing your hair?  Big Tart!

Ant & Pet, too busy running a miniature golf course.  Hey, 3.50 x 2 = 7 = takings for the day.

 

Aces Trophy, but there wasn't one.

Rank Player Aces

1 Andy EXALL 16
2 Marc CHAPMAN 14
3 Michael SMITH 13
4 Tim DAVIES 12
5 Adam KELLY (junior) 11
6 Tony KELLY 10
Terry EXALL 10
Sean HOMER 10
9 Dave GOMM 8
10 John McIver 7
Nick CHITTY 7
Paul JOHNSON 7
Scott LANCLEY 7
14 Leo KUKIELKA (junior) 6
Jas KUKIELKA 6
16 Richard GOTTFRIED 5
Trevor EXALL 5
18 Owen JOHNSON (junior) 4
19 Curran ANNETTS (novice) 3
Cindy KUKIELKA 3
21 Peter JONES 1

 

BEST ROUNDS OF THE DAY (par or sub par only, not split by course)

Rank Player 

1 Adam KELLY (junior) 32
Tim DAVIES 32
3 Andy EXALL 33
4 Marc CHAPMAN 34
Michael SMITH 34
Andy EXALL 34
Marc CHAPMAN 34
8 Michael SMITH 35
John McIver 35
Sean HOMER 35
Terry EXALL 35
Nick CHITTY 35
Tim DAVIES 35
Adam KELLY (junior) 35
Marc CHAPMAN 35
16 Trevor EXALL 36
Paul JOHNSON 36
Sean HOMER 36
Jas KUKIELKA 36
John McIver 36
Michael SMITH 36
Tim DAVIES 36
Nick CHITTY 36

Many Thanks to David & Marion at the Hastings seafront complex and Nathan at Planet Hastings. And Sean for the stats.

Master Chapman Top Novice - Big Foot Silvery salver presentation Play off hole 2 Play off hole 2 First loser

Pics: Squire

 

The University of Puttology, Planet Hastings Contestant reports

Marc CHAPMAN - He came, he saw and he annoyed a lot of people.
Tim DAVIES - Less annoying than Mr Chapman, remains sanctioned by the PHCGC for that oversight.
Michael SMITH - Thoroughly nice chap who is developing well.
Andy EXALL - Still top Exall.  Trevor and Terry will beat him at the BO though.
John McIver - The most useless tosser anyone has come across.  As for his crazy golf, should do better.
Trevor EXALL - May have leaked.
Sean HOMER - Disappointing.  Should stick to promoting, organising and refereeing an event, he plays much better.
Nick CHITTY - Badly prepared.  London ways, eh.
Terry EXALL - Will come good in the BO.  Under team orders from Big Tup, as was the rest of the team, not to give anything away.  He did just that.
Adam KELLY (junior) - Top Junior.  Beat his dad.  Job done.
Scott LANCLEY - Survived attempted assassination by chocolate.  Apparently didn't affect his link darts.  He was crap.
Richard GOTTFRIED - Britain's number 7, 12th.  Work harder young man!
Tony KELLY - Failed to beat his son.  Says it all really.
Jas KUKIELKA - Top Kukielka, very supportive playing partner and fine chauffeur.
Dave GOMM - Another great chauffeur, mini golf needs sorting.
Paul JOHNSON - Confused by the selection of balls sold to him by Ace Man.
Leo KUKIELKA (junior) - Totally confused by receiving the notes for Adventure at Planet Hastings.
Curran ANNETTS (novice) - Top novice.  Top Man.
Cindy KUKIELKA - Top Woman.  Top Lady.  Played despite attempted assassination by bed bugs.
Owen JOHNSON (junior) - Took Ace Man's ice cream.  Oh no he didn't. Oh yes he did!! The rascal, he will pay.  Podiumed in the Junior category.  Well Done!
Peter JONES - Needs to join a decent club to progress.

A little bit of history

Overall average

Field

Adv

Crazy

Mini

Planet H

Average

2010

21

42.48

38.10

40.48

39.57

40.15

2009

42

44.45

39.83

45.26

46.07

43.90

2008

31

44.06

38.00

42.03

46.06

42.54

2007

32

44.69

41.41

45.28

47.22

44.65

2006

35

43.83

39.86

42.60

47.37

43.41

2005

17

46.75

43.44

43.53

45.88

44.90

2004

11

45.64

38.73

42.36

39.73

41.61

2003

16

46.47

44.13

44.44

42.80

44.46

Top Ten Average

Field

Adv

Crazy

Mini

Planet H

Average

2010

21

39.30

35.30

36.70

35.90

36.80

2009

42

39.70

35.20

39.60

37.90

38.10

2008

31

39.60

35.90

37.40

39.70

38.15

2007

32

40.00

36.20

40.90

40.90

39.50

2006

35

39.00

36.80

37.70

38.90

38.10

2005

17

45.90

40.70

42.20

41.20

42.50

2004

11

45.40

37.70

42.20

39.10

41.10

2003

16

43.10

42.00

44.20

40.20

42.38

Top Three Average

Field

Adv

Crazy

Mini

Planet H

Average

2010

21

35.67

35.33

35.33

34.33

35.17

2009

42

36.67

34.33

37.33

39.33

36.92

2008

31

38.33

35.67

37.00

36.00

36.75

2007

32

38.33

38.00

36.00

39.33

37.92

2006

35

37.00

36.33

37.67

35.33

36.58

2005

17

40.00

39.67

42.67

38.67

40.25

2004

11

41.33

36.00

40.67

35.67

38.42

2003

16

38.67

36.33

41.33

39.00

38.83

Winning scores

Field

Average

2010

21

35.00

2009

42

35.75

2008

31

36.00

2007

32

36.75

2006

35

34.50

2005

17

38.25

2004

11

37.75

2003

16

36.75

 

Old results  2009  2008  2007  2006  2005  2004  2003   2002   2001

 

Hastings Seafront Crazy Golf  Home of The World Crazy Golf Championships. Current Planet Hastings CGC record is 30, Tim 'Ace Man' Davies (29/1/2006).  Worst score 50, Peter 'El Presidente' Parr 16/3/2003. Current BMGA record 28, Brad Shepherd (15/3/2008).   <review> <pics>

Hastings Seafront Minigolf  Current Planet Hastings CGC record 32, Tim 'Ace Man' Davies (5/9/2010).  Worst score 57, Big Top Ted McIver 20/1/2002.  Greatest winning margin 15 shots, Ace Man beat Big Top 20/1/2002.  BMGA record Andy Exall 31 (13/2/2008), Peter Emmerson (24/10/2008).  Most aces in a round, 7, Tim  'Ace Man' Davies 9/9/2006<review> <pics>

Hastings Seafront Adventure Golf Current Planet Hastings CGC record Tim 'Ace Man' Davies 34 (24/3/2006). Worst score 52, Big Top Ted McIver (25/9/2003).  Current BMGA record 35 Tim 'Ace Man' Davies (4/2/2006), Andy 'No.2' Exall (28/3/2009), Michael Smith and Marc Chapman (5/9/2010).   <review> <pics>

Planet Hastings  Home of the BMGA British Open and home to Planet Hastings Crazy Golf Club.  Official Club night record - 33 - Big Top Ted McIver (11&18/6/2001) and Tim 'Ace Man' Davies (25/6/2001 & 2/7/2001(twice)).  Worst score - 60 - Rocky 'Harry Putter' Bullin.  Current Official Tournament, BMGA, PHCGC & course record 26, Tim 'Ace Man' Davies (13/7/2008). Most aces in a round, 10  Ace Man (13/7/2008) <review> <pics>

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