The scene: The home of World Crazy Golf, Hastings. March 28, 2009.

The cast: A truly motley crew.

The plot: How to survive a tournament disorganised by Tim & Ted.

Few scenes can be more groin-stirring than the sight of three crazy golf courses landscaped into half an acre. Water features, windmills, obelisks, plateaus and fiendish borrows. A delight to the trained eye. The enthralled throng could barely control their spittle.

And strangely even more inspiring, the final venue, the jewel in the crown. The finest miniature golf course in the World set atop the White Rock overlooking the pristine English Coast. Please ignore the rusting Victorian hulk, having set sail but never quite left it's berth, that is Hastings Pier.

For this is the Planet Hastings Crazy Golf Club Open 2009. A unique event in the World of crazy golf. Nowhere else boasts such a prestigious event and entrusts it to two of the most useless organisers known to man. Four rounds on four different courses.

Adventure Golf

Crazy Golf (Arnold Palmer)

Mini Golf

Planet Hastings.

All this and prizes too. 1st prize the highly treasured claret jug AND a bath with Tim & Ted! AND A Nutters with Putters Luxury Box!! Down to an afternoon of Bagpuss at Mrs McIver's with pilchard sandwiches (Nimble not specified.) And who wouldn't want to win the talking Dalek socks?

Innovators in the field of Primary Leisure Enjoyment And Servicing, the titular heads of Planet Hastings Tim & Ted once more put on a show worthy of Krusty the Clown. Better known for their tome, Nutters with Putters. It's reminiscent of Kerouac's 'On the Road' without all the hippies, and a green twist having been written on the back of used tissues. They also found fame with their highly inventive DVD of the same name. Banned in most of the democratic countries of the World because of it's subliminal satinic content. Yes, rather than put some real nasty stuff in there Ted insisted on talking about fashion and encouraging the World to wear satin with the occasional reference to reasonably priced drinks. (Ace Man insisted I wrote an ad in here.)

Players arrived from all over the country and beyond and some arrived but didn't play and some didn't arrive at all. Noteable absentees were Debs Robertson (fielding a beach cricket injury of a broken rib), Anthony Pope (new job and who would admit to their new employers that they play crazy golf semi-professionally), the Gottfrieds (researching crazy golf in Colorado) and the Forrests (recently not voted most popular family on the tour and that must hurt.)  Noteably present were Owen Johnson, John 'Thighs' Moore and, Olivia Prokopova and Peter Mendik from the Czech Republic.  If they'd made the effort all excuses for not playing were out of the window including Ace Man's.

42 (forty two) brave souls put their reputations on the line. The biggest field ever in this competitions history. Chaos was guaranteed. What could possibly go right? Well, nothing actually, except.... Unexpectedly the tournament began on time and the shockwave that was created in the time space continuum could be felt as far afield as Gallifrey.

Adventure

Andy Exall blasted out of the trap like a whippet on heat and carded a record equalling score of 35.  No prizes for that!  For to win the dosh you had to break the record, although I think the BMGA will reward him 50 points for the use of Ace Man's lines.  Another taking advantage of the disgraced hero's notes was Peter Emmerson, a noteworthy 36 put him firmly in second.  Jo Williamson (Ladies World Crazy Golf Champion) and some 'golfer' called Elliott Ward both carded highly respectable 37's.  A chasm emerged between these four and the rest of the field, believe me two shots is a chasm or at least a large bunker in crazy golf.  Olivia Prokopova, Nick Chitty, Sean Homer, John McIver & Chris Harding looked on menacingly each on 39.

What of the BMGA's favourite families, the Kukielkas - Jas led Seve by two and Cindy led Leo by one.  All to play for!  And the Robertsons, Trevino, Lord of Smeeth out aced you know who and led Janette who led Mart by one.

Crazy

A whole host of players recorded sub-par scores.  Top of the heap was Peter Emmerson with an uber delicious 32.  Closely followed by Olivia Prokopova, Seve Kukielka and Sean Homer one shot awry.

So how was the leader board panning out?  Let me explain at this point that there was an advanced real-time scoreboard.  Somehow a jealous K*nt player had managed to firstly hide and then destroy it.  A sad day for Planet Hastings, K*nt relations.  And a sad day for the World as on that system also resided the solution to the World financial crisis.  The Luddites!!  Still, no doubt they'll roll out their own at the KO........

After two rounds Peter Emmerson led by FOUR shots from Olivia Prokopova and Sean Homer with McWhat? and Andy Exall a further stroke behind.

And then something interesting happened. No shots ringing out from the Parker Knoll this time. No passé K*nt Open like, distant out to sea explosions. We were the targets of an internecine urban terrorist group bent on causing anarchy and destruction. This botched attempt at assassinating the cream of British crazy golf using an advanced chemical warfare device just left a bad odour in the air. Fortunately Tim & Ted dived over the 'stink bomb' to absorb its malodourousness dual handedly saving the masses from a possible death by retching. They refused to tell the whole story and have categorically denied any knowledge of the incident. Three swarthy youths ranging from 8 to 9 years old were spotted leaving the scene of the crime with a distinctive Hastings swagger. The assembled were relieved that Tim & Ted actually smelled better after the attack.

Mini

You think you've seen it all and then.....you get hail.  Those fortunate enough to have finished their rounds by then saved a few shots at least.  Andy Exall found himself on the tricky eighth when the deluge came and paid the price as the ball stopped hopelessly short caked with ice.  Ace Man using his years of experience waited patiently at the fifth for the initial hail to subside.  Unfortunately a secondary bigger hail storm coincided with his shot and it skipped and scampered its way down the fairway reminiscent of the Great Mr Michael Webb playing Beton with a golf ball.  Both manfully made threes.  Lesser players would have faltered, but no Andy Exall somehow fluked a 35 and the best round of the day on the mini golf.  Peter Emmerson again stayed on the charge with an excellent 36. 

After three rounds Peter Emmerson still led by FOUR shots this time from Andy Exall.

Planet Hastings

The show down.  Only two players had a realistic chance of winning.  What can have been going through Andy's mind, he'd been here at the British Championships  and had a lead of 5 shots going in to the final round wiped out.  Could he do the same to Peter?

The organisers would like to thank all those who showed up and those who didn't.

Particular thanks is due to David & Marion, who once more showed what hospitality is all about.

The next tournament on the calendar is The British Masters - 10th anniversary edition.

Words by Anon.