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McIVER ON COURSE FOR MINIGOLF’S GRAND SLAM

BMGA BRITISH MASTERS 2005

Adventure Island, Southend-on-Sea, 7 May, 2005

System: adventure golf

Last years winner John 'Big Top Ted' McIver was hoping to hold on to his seat - it was a marginal constituency, Tim was hoping for massive gains, after his fish and chips Steve was hoping not to have to deal with any floaters, Keith Kellard was topping the opinion polls and John Moore was a don't know.  According to the swingometer Keiths swing would make him win. 

This really was going to be a first past the post contest, Dejection Day - Southend British Masters 2005.

Labour, Liberal, Conservative, DU, all the main parties were oddly quiet about minigolf in their election campaigns and party manifestos - only Robert Kilroy-Silk was prepared to bring the topic up in the popular domain, unfortunately no one took any notice of what he said.
On Thursday we had Election Day, on Saturday it was Selection day - what ball to use, though this wasn't a problem for those using an old school back to basic white golf ball except Michael King's which was a very pretty pink, which rock should you select to bounce the ball off, which shirt should you wear for the cameras of the world.
This year the British Masters had a 3 figure prize fund, a cup with a dent in (get out of the cup Russell), an interview with Radio 5 live that evening and the chance to be this months centrefold in a Gallic publication. And on top of all that to be presented by last years British Master with the much coveted much moth eaten WINNERS JACKET and its unspeakably garish check of ultra bright colours.  This years turnout was impressive - this was no ordinary field - it was the field of the cloth of gold, it was a field of poppies and lavender- a whos who of contemporary British Minigolf - Lionel Bender, Mr Michael Webb, Chris Harding, Brad Shepherd - there were more top performers here than appeared on Bruce's Big Night Out.

Inexplicably top French Sports magazine L'Equipe had jetted in to report on the event to a bemused readership - the barefaced chic of it. Consequently expect many a Parisian family to forsake this years holiday in Biarritz for a holiday in Leigh-on-Sea - they'll certainly remember the food.
As the tournament started Le Stance, Le Grande Top Ted, L'Homme d'Ace and le Deux Putts preened themselves for the photographer.  Here Oui go.
On the Aztec Adventure, under the watchful gaze of tournament referee Life President Peter Parr and the CCTV cameras many a dream was trampled down - amidst the wreckage of Adventure Island's light aircraft lay many a wrecked round, Bill and Ruth Bullin in particular proved themselves the British Masters of Disaster carding 48s.
Top local spot at the half way stage went to James Miller, 7 shots ahead of Jack Oven.
A remarkable round of 42 was returned from Sally Weddell especially as her pre tournament preparation consisted of a cup of tea and ten minutes practice.  Mr Michael Webb, after a quick mid round photo shoot notched up a 40.  Keith Kellard, odds on favourite with the bookies got 39 and Lionel Bender made 41. John Moore after a bright start carded a 5 on the 3rd - at this moment gazing ruefully at his scorecard John looked to his role models at Newcastle United to give him inspiration and hope - what would Lauren Robert, Kieron Dyer and Lee Bowyer do in this situation?  Well John when the going gets tough they would 1) ask to be substituted 2) refuse to play or 3) thump someone - thankfully John did none of the above but battled manfully on.

The top of the leader board showed two old favourites and two new ones Tim and Ted go together like Lennon and McCartney, Rosemary and Thyme, dog and flea, pavement and dog turd, Russell Dent also carding 38 has made a fine start to the 2005 season, a good display in the Planet Hastings surely means he is heading for an international call up. Also in the top 4 and recalling the Golden age of British Minigolf was Steve Vallory, the question was would his self belief hold up for another round?
Dark clouds gathered eerily over the Inca Trail as the second round began, as the pressure grew and the weather worsened some players faltered, some players improved, others seemed to affect the very fabric of time as they agonized and deliberated over their putts.
Chris Harding played another solid round - just using a standard golf ball and club to get a 44 and collect £25 as top novice.

In the final group Steve Vallory made a few early slips before rallying and finishing strongly.
Russell Dent kept his head and kept putting sweetly to finish in third place and scoop his first prize money of £25 - At London he can do even better.
The top spot was another grapple between Davies and McIver - Davies was 3 shots behind with 5 holes left pulled it back through some poor McIver play to just one shot adrift with one hole to play - McIver took a 3 on the final hole, the door was open for Davies, unfortunately like a canvassing politician it was slammed in his face and he fell over the door mat - Davies took a 3 as well and finished in second place, to recieve £50, his bon mots were mort though as his dreams of making the front page of L'equipe vanished as did his quote of "equipe coming equipe winning".

The glory though belongs to Ted - a fat cheque, quaffing celebratory Dr Pepper from the winners cup, a jacket that gets admiring glances from the many shaven headed tattooed rascals of Southend, the chance to model the ill fitting jacket to the whole French nation reinforcing their prejudices that the British lack style and Tim Davies certainly strengthens these prejudices.  And of course having to spend Saturday night sitting by the phone waiting for Radio 5 to call so he could talk about Adventure Island, his crazy golf buddies, British Minigolf and himself - though not necessarily in that order.  

 Words: John McIver

OVERALL CLASSIFICATION

Notes:

*           denotes guest player non-BMGA member

c)         denotes defending champion

[1]        New course record: Tim Davies 36 (Second rounds - Aztec 19, Inca 17)

Jack	Ted	Tim	Gallery

 

Russ	Ted	Chris	Marc

Photos: Jon Angel (click on picture for larger photo)

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Pictures of the course