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Albert Steptoe Memorial Trophy

Hastings, England.  Saturday November 20th 11am

2 rounds mini golf
2 rounds Florida style adventure golf

* Equals BMGA record

Ed Straker paced around his desk at Shado Headquarters, located deep below a film studio.
It was 1980 and Aliens were landing on earth.

Meanwhile at the heroin addled shores of East Sussex, something just as important was taking place.

"IF YOU ASK ME IT'S ALL A WASTE OF TIME"

The inaugural Albert Steptoe memorial.

And there, in the distance out on the course was a shrivelled old man, face weather lined and grimy with dirt, his lank grey hair, stubble, rag and bone man clothes and foul stench could only be Albert - but on closer inspection it was the BMGA third ranked player and tournament favourite Tim "STEPTOE" Davies practising the third.

Valuable lessons were learnt from the Albert Steptoe memorial trophy, most notably realising why nobody ever organises any tournaments in November.

"COLDER THAN A PENGUINS CHUFF BOX"

In the morning the cold meant that some players had difficulty bending their fingers in case they snapped off from frost bite.  In the afternoon the torrential rain meant the temperature soared up to 4 degrees Celsius if you ignored the wind chill factor, which no one did.

For Tyneside's John Moore, living so close to the arctic circle, these conditions were ideal - it was like Blythe beach in August.

The rest of the competitors sunk deeper into their Millett's fleeces and gritted their teeth.

"NOBODY GIVES A TOSS THEY'VE ALL GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH THEIR TIME NOT LIKE WHEN I WAS A BOY"

A treasure trove of prizes awaited the lucky participants who aced the right holes, though no one was able to win the £5, plastic pineapple or German wheat beer.

Rocky Bullin though won himself a dodo ball and personal hygiene kit, Keith Kellard a box of chocolates to which he is sadly allergic and a bag of peanuts, he doesn't have a nut allergy. (But his partner does!)
Bill Bullin won a plate of jellied eels which he hasn't claimed yet and Russ Dent claimed the Morrisey video I am the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar. (But don't expect me to sing).
Two newcomers Elliott and Rachel Selby looked bemused and frost bitten during the long day .

"I'm an old man - I might as well turn it all in"

In the match Keith Kellard played a fine 38 on the Orlando style Adventure course, nearly hitting a course record 35. The Bullin husband and wife combo had a good result on the adventure and on the minigolf to go 2nd and 4th.
Tim and Ted , playing together, matched themselves stroke by stroke to finish on level pegging.
John Moore hit a disappointing 56 but did win a cup of tea and a banana.

In the afternoon the constant rain and wintry wind caused problems for all but the top two players.
Eliott again played well on the Adventure course despite the pack ice forming on the water hazards.
At the end of the day, even with the floodlights being turned off on the 18th, it was Tim Davies, shrugging aside the elements, who triumphed. The 20 pence was his as was the non existent trophy.
Keith nearly doubled his prize money for the year with 10 pence.
A shivering Big Top received 5p and Ruth Bullin finished fourth and got tuppence for her troubles.

"ITS not normal, theres something weird about them - why can't they go down the bookies or the pub they look like a load of woofters and nancys to me"?

thus spake Albert Steptoe.

Words: Ted McIver

lots of prizes (on the line of first to ace a particular hole wins a mystery prize)
entry £6-£5 for course fees, £1 for "entertainment purposes"

1st prize = 20p
2nd prize = 10p
3rd prize = 5p
4th place =2p
waterproofs and cardigans advised
more details to follow

"You're better off doing things when you're young.  When you're old you just sit around forgotten, no one wants to know you, yes life is for the young uns"

Thus spake Albert Steptoe.

And in furtherance of his memory Planet Hastings Crazy golf club is proud to present the Albert Steptoe memorial trophy.
Not only will Tim Davies not be washing for 3 weeks as a tribute to the great man, but we have a cart and horse full of special prizes just waiting to be given away.
For the first person to ace a certain hole on either minigolf or South Carolina style Adventure golf they could literally win one of these fantastic prizes

1) A dodo ball
2) a Morrisey video
3) a £5 note
4) A stylish pair of Albert Steptoe type gloves
5) A personal hygiene kit
6) a pair of shoelaces
7) mystery bag of music
8) A plastic pineapple
9) A potato peeler
10) 4 bottles of stout
11) Jelllied eel voucher
and the star prize
The chance to win tickets to watch all 17 episodes of the Prisoner back to back at Big top Ted's house

All this on top of the guaranteed prize money of 37 pence

plus half time refreshments--cashew nuts, orange juice, and whine guaranteed